


Sharp edges

by Blue_ironMask



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, How Do I Tag, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, My First AO3 Post, My First Fanfic, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:22:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22590115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_ironMask/pseuds/Blue_ironMask
Summary: The Avengers return after being chased by the government. What awaits them is their old tower and a shell of a man that Tony stark once was.aka I love to make my favourite characters suffer.
Comments: 18
Kudos: 93





	1. Sharp edges

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooo this is my first fic. English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry about any mistakes.

Tony Stark was broken. He had nothing to live for. First, he lost Jarvis and Ana, then he lost his parents, then Pepper left him, and now he lost the only family he had left. The Avengers. And it was all his fault, it was all because of the damn accords. Now half of The Avengers were being chased by the government and the other half hated him. The only ones that didn’t hate him were Rhodey and Natasha, but they were always away on missions. 

So he was left alone, in his huge tower, with nothing but the voices in his head to keep him company. And with time those voices got louder, telling him he was nothing, worthless, that he was weak, and he believed them. The only thing that could quiet the voices, Tony discovered, was pain.

So he fell into the old habit he swore he would never do again. Cutting. The first time he did it it was by accident. He hadn’t meant to. He was working on the new armor in his workshop and a sharp piece of metal cut his arm. He swore loudly and after some time, he realized the voices in his head, that were so loud mere seconds ago, had shut up. So the next day, when the voices were overwhelming, he did it again. And again, and again, and again. His arms were now covered in scars, but he didn’t let anybody see them. They’d think he was weak. Which of course he was but others couldn’t know that.

And that went on for three whole years. And nobody noticed. Because nobody cared Tony reminded himself. 

One day he finally had enough. He couldn’t take it anymore. The voices, the blame, the pressure, the nightmares that haunted his sleep every night. Nightmares about Afghanistan, New York, so-called Civil war, Steve Rogers smashing his shield into his arc reactor, causing him to wake up screaming bloody murder every night.

He was just sitting in the workshop in the evening, like every other day, trying to ignore the voices in his head. ‘You’re a disappointment, boy,’ he heard his father’s voice. ‘Big man in a suit of armor. Take that off what are you?’ Who am I? What am I? 

The thoughts just got louder. ‘‘I’m nothing!’’ his voice echoed through the workshop. He was sitting on the floor, breathing heavily. He had had enough of this. He couldn’t take it anymore. He slowly made his way to the bathtub, already filled with water, thanks to JARVIS, who thought Tony was just planning to take a bath. He sat there, fully clothed, in the water, with a razor in his hand. It’s not like he hadn’t thought about it before. As if he hadn’t tried before. He made protocols for when this happened. He stared into empty space for some more time, before he made a long, vertical cut on his forearm, immediately noticing how the thoughts and voices in his head became quieter. He hissed in pain as the blade cut through his skin. Slowly he did the same on his other arm, then laid back and watched as his blood colored the water red. In some sick, twisted way, it was beautiful. After a while, he closed his eyes and drifted off to his final sleep. 

Or so he thought.


	2. In pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW for self-harm

He woke up in a blank, white room, with lights that were too bright and bandages covering his arms. He felt lightheaded and he slowly drifted off again. The next time he woke up, Rhodey was there with a concerned look on his face.  
‘’You are incredibly stupid, you know that?’’ Rhodey said and Tony didn’t miss the affection and concern that colored his voice.  
‘’I’m sorry,’’ was the only thing he could think of as a response. He was. He was sorry for surviving, for being a burden, for being so fucked up, for being him.  
‘’I know,’’ Rhodey said, with a meek and sad voice.

Tony was allowed to return back home after four days. After that Rhodey, Natasha and Pepper were always watching over him, never letting him be alone. Pepper even forced him to go see a therapist.

\--

But just as things were starting to get better, the avengers returned. After three years of being on the run, they were allowed to return. And of course, Fury thought it would be a great idea to make them all stay in the Avengers tower. Tony didn’t mind sharing the space, he had more than enough of it, and their rooms were still untouched, no. It was the fact that he couldn’t bear to look into their eyes. To see the disappointment there. The blame. He knew they still blamed him. For the accords. For the civil war. For Ultron. For tearing them apart. 

They even had to go through so-called ‘bonding sessions’. Those were always full of awkward silence that seemed to stretch on for hours. What also didn’t help with the stress and anxiety, were the new nightmares his brain came up with after attempting to take his own life. He really didn’t need to give his brain more ideas for the nightmares. 

The first few days with the avengers back were especially awkward. There was a lot of tension and Tony couldn’t even stand being in the same room as Steve without nearly having a full-blown panic attack. The others, of course, interpreted his silent treatment as him being arrogant.  
But with time it got easier. They didn’t hang out or talk like they used to, but it became bearable. And Tony sometimes thought that he saw the others from the team giving him worried looks. But he was probably imagining it, wasn’t he? After all, they don’t care about him.

\---

As soon as the Avengers arrived at the compound, Tony made his way to the workshop. Today’s mission was a total failure. Two teenagers were dead, and it was all his fault. He couldn’t handle it. He was starting to hear the voices in his head again, telling him what a failure he was. He thought he was getting better. But now the blame was starting to get heavier by every second that slowly passed. He felt the panic start to rise, and he knew what he had to do. He knew what would make him feel better. 

He slowly made his way to the small bathroom of the workshop. He didn’t even realize he had taken a razor in his hands, but suddenly he was sitting on the floor, with his back against the wall next to the bathtub, and a razor pressed to his wrist. He needed this. He had to be punished, he had to feel something. Anything. Slowly, he dragged the razor across his skin and watched as the blood slowly dripped out of the wounds, and began dripping on the floor, each drip louder than the previous. He was too gone, stuck in his hazy mind, to pay attention to the worrying amount of blood, that wasn’t slowing down.


	3. Given up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long.  
> I'm the best at procrastinating :/

\--  
Clint was worried. After the mission, he saw Tony head straight to his lab. He knew the genius blamed himself for what had happened, despite it being completely out of his control. After Tony made him new and better hearing aids, they grew quite close, and he started noticing little things. Things that made him wonder if Tony really is the guy he pretends to be. After a quick post-battle meeting with the team, he headed to the workshop to find Tony. 

Something seemed off as soon as he arrived. There was no music playing, and Tony was nowhere to be seen. As he stepped into the lab his sharp senses picked up the faint smell of blood. He made his way slowly through the workshop, noticing how the smell grew stronger as he got closer to the slightly ajar door of the bathroom. When he opened the door his heart stopped, although not before it broke. There, leaned against the wall next to the bathtub, was Tony’s limp body, and next to him on the floor a razor, in the middle of a terrifying amount of blood.

He wasn’t even sure when he called for help, but a few seconds after he came in, Steve came rushing in. He stopped in his tracks as soon as he saw Tony, a confused look on his face. Mere seconds after Steve, Natasha came rushing in. She too stopped suddenly, but quickly collected herself and started calling Steve’s name. He snapped back after a few long seconds and carried Tony to the med bay as she told him. While Steve was carrying him, Clint couldn’t help but notice, that bellow the bleeding cuts there were seemingly endless older ones.

\--

All of the Avengers waited next to Tony’s hospital room, frantically waiting for any news. None of them would have ever thought that Tony would do this to himself. The man was always smiling and throwing around snarky comments. And none of them could help, but feel guilty they hadn’t noticed anything.  
They watched quietly, as Helen Cho made her way out of Tony’s room, and she answered their questions before they could even ask them.  
‘’He lost a lot of blood, but he’ll be alright,’’ she said, and they all let out a breath they’ve been holding. Of course, by alright she meant physically. Mentally, it was a completely different story.

‘’God, this is my fault. I should’ve noticed something was wrong, I shouldn’t have been so mean to him.’’

‘’Steve, it’s not your fault,’’ Natasha objected. ‘’ He had become really good at hiding when something was wrong. Even I thought he was getting better.’’

‘’What do you mean ‘getting better’?’’ Steve asked, confusion evident in his voice.

‘’A few months ago,’’ Natasha began, clearly struggling, ‘’when I returned from a mission, I found Tony in a bathtub, with slits on each of his wrists.’’ Her voice broke at the end of the sentence, but everyone was too stunned to notice.

All the eyes in the room were on her now, no one saying anything. They didn’t know what to. They didn’t know any of this. They never even thought Tony was capable of having a bad day. But they were so terribly wrong.


	4. Paper Cut

‘’But why would he-’’ Cling began but stopped mid-sentence. He then remembered everything Tony went through. The man was tortured for weeks in a cave, forced to build a weapon, had fought against aliens, flew a nuke into space through a wormhole and barely made it back, fought a robot he helped create, fought against his team - against his friends and probably went through a lot more things he hadn’t told anyone about. Including his attempt on his own life.

Steve broke the silence. ‘’Why didn’t you say anything to me? Why hadn’t he said anything to me?’’ 

‘’Because, the last time he saw you, you were smashing your fucking shield in his chest,’’ Natasha answered, anger, frustration, and ice dripping from her voice. ‘’Yeah, I know about that. He told me. Well, more accurately, I forced him to tell me after a month of him waking up from his nightmares, screaming.’’ The irritation Natasha felt was almost palpable. The room fell into an awkward silence, that grew more deafening with every second that passed.

‘’This wasn’t his first attempt either,’’ Bruce’s words cut through the silence like a knife. ‘’He’s tried before. Three times. He told me one night when we were working in a lab. Once as a teenager, once a few months after Afghanistan and then in the battle. In New York- He told me he found another way to stop the nuke. But he flew it in the wormhole himself instead. He said that it was his chance to finally do it without anyone knowing it. That maybe some people would think he was a hero. As if he wasn’t already.’’ Bruce took a deep breath, trying to recollect himself. A look of guilt was clearly visible on his face. ‘’But he said he was getting better. That he didn’t feel like that anymore. And I believed him. God, I should have noticed something. I didn’t even know he was self-harming.’’

\--

When the avengers got back to the tower Steve couldn’t stop thinking about today’s events. As he was staring at the wall in his room he thought of something. He remembered a fight a while ago, between Natasha and Clint. They were arguing about whose turn it was to cook dinner and Natasha asked FRIDAY to show the footage of them agreeing that today was Clint’s turn. And that gave him an idea.

‘’FRIDAY do you have footage of what Tony was doing before we found him?’’

‘’I do, Captain. Would you like to view it?’’

Steve hesitated for a moment, but after a few silent seconds, he replied with a silent yes.

A screen immediately popped up in front of him, showing an empty workshop. Soon Tony walks through the door. He sits down at the table and tries to work on something, but his breaths are getting quicker by the second. He curses under his breath and makes his way to the bathroom.   
FRIDAY automatically changes the camera angle. There isn’t one in the bathroom, but from this angle, the inside of the bathroom is still visible if the doors are open. Tony makes his way toward the sink, and with automatic and almost practiced movements takes the razor in his hand, not even paying attention to his movements, as if he’s done this a thousand times before. And that thought makes Steves’s heart clench.  
The engineer slowly and clumsily slides down the wall and presses the blade to his wrist, staring at it for a few seconds. Then he slowly makes the first cut, and Steve can immediately see him relax, and he’s pretty sure he can see the tears in his eyes, even from the far-away angle.  
‘JARVIS shut the door,’ the genius says. Despite him not noticing his mistake or not caring enough to correct himself, FRIDAY closes the door, as if used to being called the wrong name.  
And Steve is left there, staring at the closed door on the footage.

How could Tony relax while inflicting himself pain? Why would he even do it? He figured he was going to have to ask the man himself.


	5. Cure for the itch

Tony was allowed to return home from the hospital 2 days later, and if the Avengers thought he was avoiding them before, it was nothing compared to how things were now. The only ones who ever talked to him, hell, practically the only ones who ever saw him were Rhodey and Natasha.

Steve has tried to talk to him, but Tony couldn’t even stand being in the same room as the other Avengers. He wanted to ask him why he did it, why does it seem to help him calm down. He didn’t know how he’d bring that up in a conversation, but it didn’t matter since Tony locked himself in the workshop, where only Natasha and Rhodey can get to him.

\---

‘’Tony, please come upstairs, you’ve been in the workshop for too long,’’ said Natasha with a pleading voice. 

Tony looked up from his work.

‘’I’m fine. I don’t need to rest.’’

‘’Boss, I suggest you get some rest, seeing you haven’t slept for the last 43 hours,’’ FRIDAY’s voice sounded from the speakers.

‘’Who asked you?’’ Tony said, with an annoyed voice.

‘’Come on Tones, we’ll eat ice cream and catch up with The vampire diaries,’’ Natasha suggested’ with a smile tugging at her lips, although Tony didn’t miss the worry in her expression.

‘’Fine, but only because I don’t want to risk you literally dragging me upstairs. And because I’m still fascinated by the fact that you like The vampire diaries.’’

  
  
  


10 minutes later Tony is sitting on a couch with Natasha by his side, a bowl of ice cream in his hand, and The vampire diaries playing on a big TV in front of them. They start watching TV, but after a while, Tony can’t ignore Natasha’s eyes on him anymore. 

‘’Okay, are you planning on staring me to death, or do you plan on actually saying something?’’ Tony says after pausing the TV in the middle of a murder scene.

‘’I just want to know why?’’

‘’Why what?’’

‘’Tony, don’t play dumb with me because I’m already mad at you. Why did you do it and why didn’t you tell me you were getting worse?’’

‘’It was a mistake. I’m fine.’’

‘’Tony, I’m a spy and an assassin, and both those things should tell you, that lying to me is an incredibly dumb move.’’

Tony just stared at his hands, beginning to regret starting the conversation.

‘’Tony, please.’’ 

‘’It’s just- that day we came from a mission and two teenagers got killed because of me. I looked them up. They had a family. Friends. Siblings. And I took them from them. It was my fault. I know it, and everybody else does, and then my thoughts were getting out of control and I just- it was too much and I was at the verge of a panic attack and I didn’t know what to do-’’

‘’Tony, it wasn’t your fault. It was out of your control, there was nothing you could have done. I was there. I saw it. And I wouldn’t lie to you. But next time you feel like you need to do something like that, please tell me and I don’t care if it’s in the middle of the night or if I’m on a mission. You can always rely on me.’’

‘’I’m sorry. Sometimes I just feel like I’m underwater and it’s too much to do even the simplest things. Then other times my thoughts are going too fast and- then it helps. And I know it’s wrong but I can’t help it. I feel like it’s the only cure for it. It’s like it’s in my nature and I’m used to it and there’s like an itch under my skin, begging me to do it. And I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want to burden you with my craziness. And now the whole team knows, and they’re gonna judge me or give me pitying looks and I won’t be able to stand that. They can’t know. They shouldn’t know. ’’ Tony said, and Natasha was sure she saw tears threatening to spill from his eyes. But he wouldn’t let them.

‘’Tony, look at me. You are not crazy and you’re not a burden and you never will be, and I know everything that that idiot Howard said to you still sticks with you, but you shouldn’t believe any of that shit. It’s going to be okay, Tones,’’ Natasha said and hugged him and Tony, longing for human contact, hugged her back. He still wasn’t sure about everything she said, but he let himself enjoy the moment. And if a tear rolled down his cheeks, Natasha didn’t need to see it.


End file.
